


Name Your Courage Now

by Salitice



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, Temporary Character Death, monsters and curses, themes of depression and grief, will update tags as needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26098774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salitice/pseuds/Salitice
Summary: In the wake of a disastrous trip, that was meant to be a celebration of their first year of university over, Eddie finds himself struggling to cope. The lucky seven now only six.Despite all the grief, turmoil, and fear surrounding him, Eddie decides he's not willing to leave his best-friend behind.However what he finds in the woods is a lot different than the boy they all left behind.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 9
Kudos: 15





	1. Cassettes Like Love Notes

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for clicking on this fic!  
> I hope you enjoy this take on reddie 
> 
> Not Beta-read, all mistakes are my own! 
> 
> Chapter Warnings:  
> Grief and loss, bad therapy, character death (I promise its temporary)

_September:_

Eddie tried to drown out the obnoxious ticking coming from the table behind him. He understood that some people may have found the monotonous and predictable sound of the metronome soothing, he however, hated it. There wasn’t much he cared for about the office space in general, it was too small and too empty. A hollowed out shell, much like how Eddie felt after leaving. 

The whole affair left him feeling anxious and trapped.

His mother had been impossible to deal with as of late and seeing a psychiatrist, one that she approved of, was just a way to get her to loosen her clutches to a slightly more bearable level. He felt as if all the progress he had made over the last year becoming independent from her had all but been ruined during a single week. 

“Your mind doesn’t want to accept what happened that night, so it creates different horrors for you to fixate on. Making them bigger and badder, to further your own feelings of helplessness in that situation.” His therapist told him matter-of-factly, leaning back in his chair in a position constructed to look relaxed. His words drifted past his lips with the ease of someone who wasn’t cutting open Eddie's mind and leaving him bare and vulnerable from the sentiment behind them. 

“But-” Eddie’s fists clutched at the padded armrests of his own chair. He didn’t _want_ to feel helpless, that was the last thing he wanted. 

“It’s not out of the ordinary to experience feelings of survivors-guilt after going through such an ordeal.

And by making ourselves seem more helpless in those scenarios it can, oftentimes, lessen those overwhelming feelings of guilt. Much the same way one might fantasize over suddenly becoming all powerful and changing how things ended.” The man made a small flourishing gesture with his pen.

“I know that.” Eddie said in a tight voice, trying not to glare daggers at the infuriating man. He settled for crossing his arms over his chest defensively. 

“It’s not a far leap to understand then-” His therapist continued, seemingly oblivious to Eddie’s obvious discomfort. Or at least apathetic towards it, “-that the shock of losing your friend could leave your mind scrambling to fill in the blanks, details it missed, or even make the threats you suffered even more monstrous in a way to lessen the guilt of your survival. But these coping methods of coming up with monsters is simply not healthy. Only by accepting what happened that night in its untwisted truth can you start learning to heal.”

Eddie sat silent. He understood perfectly well what his therapist was trying to explain to him. What he couldn’t understand was how his mind could possibly be capable of making up what happened that night. It was all so clear in his head, even months later, he could still hear the sound of his friends screams- and the monsters. 

Eddie tried to quell the trembling in his limbs as his mind relayed image after image, scene after scene. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to just move on like nothing had happened, like he didn’t feel as if he were slipping further into insanity with each passing day.   
He knew that he wasn’t alone in his trauma. All of the Losers had walked away with their fair share of budding emotional and psychological damages.   
It was a complicated mess and Eddie still had trouble trusting his own memories of what had happened. The scenes that played back to him much too fantastical and horrific to ever be reality. 

He hated coming here, sitting in this office and being told what he was thinking, how he _should_ be thinking, _feeling._ How was he supposed to move on if he, _apparently_ , couldn’t even trust his own head? But Eddie knows what he saw, what they all saw.

And it wasn’t a fucking _bear_ . No, it was something bigger, faster, _smarter._ As far as Eddie was concerned the forest was cursed and so was anything that dwelled within it. 

“Have you spoken to the Toziers?” 

Eddie’s gaze refocused and darted back up to the man sitting across from him. 

“No,” he replied, looking down again, feeling a well of shame. 

He just didn’t know how he could face them. 

“I will be though, they’ve finally decided on a date to hold the service so...” Eddie let the sentence trail off with a small shrug. 

“And how does that make you feel?” 

Eddie's jaw ached from how hard he had to clench his teeth to keep from lashing out. 

"It's fine." He lied after the moment of pause. 

* * *

  
  


That night Eddie wept, curling in on himself like a wounded beast and sobbed. Gasping and choking on his own hitching breaths as the weight of another day pressed against him. He thought briefly of picking up his phone and calling one of his friends, maybe Bev, or perhaps Bill. The mental image however of unloading his grief on his already overburdened friends was too shameful and cruel to allow him to move from the spot he had crumpled down upon. 

There was also the issue of Eddie's own emotional unpredictability, especially as far as Bill was concerned. 

On one hand Bill had always been the unofficial leader of their group, the decision maker and even a bit of an older brother figure to Eddie in particular. However during dark or sometimes even random moments Eddie would find his mind stuck back in the forest the night it had all happened, and he would remember and with the memory came white hot rage. 

Logically, Eddie knew nothing that had happened that night had been Bill's fault. He knew that whether he witnessed it or not _something_ had to have transpired outside of Bill's control that affected how the night had ended.

Eddie _knew_ that. Just as he knew that Bill would never have abandoned any of them had he any other option. The anger remained regardless. 

Nights like these were the worst for Eddie. Nights where the anguish caught up to him tearing him into tiny specks right up until the anxiety took hold and quieted him. Until every dark corner of his room was a threat. Like the darkness between the thick wooden bodies of the trees, the perfect home for a predator to keep watch. Those nights when Eddie lay stiff and still, a new instinct to freeze and keep absolutely quiet to avoid detection from whatever might be lurking about, until the sky outside his bedroom window turned grey then blue, the light of dawn chasing away the shadows both on his walls and in his mind allowing his tired eyes to finally droop closed into exhausted slumber. 

* * *

For all of the mishaps in Eddie's relatively short life, he had always been able to pride himself on his innate sense of direction. From the time he was very small Eddie had been very successful at being able to make his way around, this talent only grew more apparent as he got older and made friends.   
More than once it had been Eddie's insistence on direction that saved their group from becoming lost while exploring Derry's wilderness. It had gotten to the point where all of the Losers listened when Eddie told them which direction to follow.

This talent extended beyond Eddie's particularly in tune internal compass.

Throughout his life Eddie had a peculiar intuition guiding him. This isn't to say that Eddie was the most decisive of their group, that title probably being held by Bill, but Eddie always felt a particular moral pull that drove him to take action even in the most terrifying of scenarios. It was always when Eddie ignored his intuition or was bullied the other way that he was left feeling deeply unsatisfied and lost. 

It was that same feeling that gave Eddie the courage to befriend Bill way back in grade school; the same feeling which drove Eddie to stand up to his mother the first time when he was barely thirteen and had discovered his life long illness had been nothing more than fabrications, lies. It's the same feeling that took him away from his mother's influence and Maine all together after graduating high school, and the same feeling that kept him up at night wishing he had applied at UCLA with Richie. 

It was the same feeling now that gave Eddie the bravery to approach the Tozier household. 

Though, Eddie felt the furthest thing from brave as he made his way up the wooden steps and to the front door. His damp hands clenching and unclenching in a nervous gesture. He moved to knock before a hitch in his breathing had him pausing to feel his pockets for an inhaler he no longer carried. 

He drew his hands away from himself, sighed and silently told himself to get a grip. 

He knocked.

The first rapt against the peeling paint of the door quiet, the second louder and more pronounced. 

A woman Eddie did not know but recognized answered the door. Her features too alike to Maggie Toziers to be anyone other than a relative. Her eyes flickered taking in Eddies dark suit before sending him a tight smile and opening the door wider for him to enter the home. 

"There's food in the kitchen. Maggie and Went are in the sitting room, some of-some of Richard's friends have made a space for themselves in the basement." She said in lieu of a greeting.

Eddie followed her into the hall and towards the sitting room. He paused seeing the sheer amount of people present, milling around. He let his gaze dart from face to face and felt his insides coil in discomfort.   
He thought he should feel somehow grateful that so many people from their community had turned out to show support, but instead there was a bitter taste on his tongue and a tumultuous energy had begun to roll his gut. 

People who Eddie had never seen once visiting the Tozier's before were now in their home.  
They tittered on about how awful it was, how _tragic_ . As if any of them had any idea. Parents of children who had actively tormented their group growing up now stood shamelessly in the home of his best-friend in some farce of empathy.  
Adults Eddie had seen actively scowl at Richie, talking behind their hands in disapproval. The hypocrisy of it set his teeth on edge, and it took all his restraint to swallow down the thick lump that formed in his throat. 

This wasn't about him or his feelings. 

He wondered how Mr. And Mrs. Tozier felt and nearly choked on his next shuddering breath.  
Around him he noticed a few people doing a poor job of pretending they weren't looking at him, he could hear the faint whispers, the gossip. 

_"That's one of the boys-"_

_"....was there and-"_

_"...saw it happen?"_

Eddie felt himself struck by a sudden terror as his feelings of discomfort grew into a sense of displacement. How could he face the Toziers'? Wouldn't he just be another stark reminder of what they lost?

Had he been wrong to come here? 

Richie had been his best-friend, but not even that had been enough to bring him home apparently. He was at his best-friend's funeral and they didn't even have a body to bury. 

His chest felt tight and Eddie clutched again at his pockets, hoping for his inhaler. There was a parting in the crowd and Eddie caught a glimpse of Mrs. Tozier, surrounded by a few other women who hovered over her. Her skin looked ghostly pale against the dark fabric of her dress, her hair was impeccably done up and seemed in contrast to how the makeup around her eyes was smudged, mascara staining her otherwise colourless cheeks. 

Eddie's feet carried him closer to her before his brain had enough agency to control his movements. He shuddered as her gaze caught him, pulling him the rest of the way to her. A small, watery smile greeted him and somehow it stabbed even deeper than any hostility might have. 

"Eddie, I'm glad you could make it. He-He would have wanted you to be here." 

Eddie felt his throat constrict so tightly so quickly it pained him. He nodded, unable to speak. 

She takes a breath before continuing, "There's- there's actually something of yours here. I found it when I was-" her voice breaks and a few rogue tears leak from her eyes. 

Eddie feels his own eyes burn.

Mrs. Tozier takes another steadying breath and continues: "I found it when I was going through his things. Just looking…" she trails off not needing to explain. 

Eddie nods again and felt like the worlds most stupid bobble head. He cursed himself to speak. 

"Thank you." It's barely a whisper but tangible words are still better than his silent nods.

Richie's mother smiles again, more watery than before, "I put it on his desk. It had your name on it already. He would want you to take it." 

* * *

  
  


Eddie drove away from the Tozier's house faster than he'd driven anywhere before. On the passenger's seat next to him lay an obnoxiously printed button up T-shirt and on top of that a small cassette tape. A piece of masking tape cut to size labeled the Cassette ' _Eddie'_ in familiar messy handwriting. 

In the end, Eddie hadn't gone into the basement to see the rest of his friends. The moment his hands had clutched the cassette he had been overwhelmed with such a feeling of heavy desperation that it had been strangling. He had turned his desperation towards flight and taken off as quickly as he could have without appearing rude. 

Now he drove, foot heavy on the gas pedal. No real destination in mind except to get away from the roaring in his ears, the oppressive feeling clinging onto his back and ripping away all sense of self.   
Eddie lost himself on the road, driving faster and feeling as if a part of him was being left behind in the disturbing silence of Richie's bedroom. 

Then all at once Eddie blinked, eyes burning, and felt himself begin to realign. Piece by jagged piece, a million open wounds suturing themselves back together to form an abstract approximation of Eddie Kaspbrak out of what was leftover in the aftermath.   
He pulled over to the side of the road, breathing labored and looked around to gauge his location. At some point the homes had been replaced with trees and then wide fields as he left the centre of town and moved out towards the farmlands that surrounded Derry. 

Eddie got out of his car, pacing like a wild animal trapped. A wild surge of anger and helplessness washed over him and he lashed out kicking at the solid rubber of his back tire and screaming loud into the empty fields. 

Deflated, he led himself back to the driver's seat but made no move to turn the car back on. He didn't want to go back home but he didn't have anywhere else to go either.

He finally let himself look over to the pilfered items on the seat next to him. Or at least one pilfered. Eddie did feel a sense of guilt over taking the shirt, he knew it wasn't right but he hadn't been able to help himself. Being surrounded once more by his friends' things and _scent_ had been overwhelming in a way Eddie hadn't been able to envision before. Seeing the shirt had brought back a multitude of memories that Eddie hadn't been prepared to deal with then and there.

He looked at the cassette and gingerly picked it up before digging through his center console for the adapter he knew he kept stashed there. Finding it, he plugged it into the AUX hook up before opening up the lid to insert the cassette into the device. It was a purchase he had to invest in after Richie had gone full tilt into his "retro aesthetic".   
Eddie had bugged him relentlessly over it in highs chool when Richie had started giving him mixtapes on old fashioned cassettes instead of just sharing songs online but the teasing had only seemed to make Richie double down and honestly, Eddie had sort of liked it, despite finding it a little silly. It was a memento, something physical he could hold onto, something he was deeply grateful for now. 

Eddie took a deep breath and hit play, the button clicked loudly and Eddie watched the wheels on the cassette start to spin as the tape was fed through, a second later his speakers crackled and Eddie's breath hitched. 

_"Hey there Eds, get ready for another mix by your one and only favourite, DJ Tozier!"_

Eddie quickly dropped the cassette player into one of the cupholders after the plastic creaked warningly in his sudden white knuckled grip. 

It wasn't out of the ordinary for Richie to have burned recordings of himself onto his mixtapes and yet hearing his friends voice still had been a shock. Eddie found himself releasing a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding, it came out in a heavy gust, but shaky past his lips. His vision blurred as hot tears trailed down his cheeks as he listened to the tape, blindly he reached for the shirt next to him and clutched it between his fists as his tears turned into sobs. 

Eddie wasn’t sure how much time he spent there but his tears had run dry by the time the tape clicked and went quiet. 

He was feeling gutted, hallowed out and exhausted both physically and emotionally but he forced himself to remain present, not let his mind drift too far. He sniffed and pressed the button to rewind the tape. As he did so he noticed how much darker it had gotten outside. The shadows were stretched long, the sky casting everything in the orange glow of twilight. Rather than finding it beautiful Eddie found his heart picking up pace as new anxieties writhed in his chest. 

He felt too open, too exposed. 

The sun was setting and the bad things came out at night. Eddie's eyes stayed glued to a copse of trees whose shadow's had grown dark and long. Eyes wide looking for the hint of reflection, the way an animal's shine in the dark.   
It was a mental battle he still hated to have. He knew there were no monsters here. And even back in the damned woods, they had killed it. He brought to mind the heat of fire, the smell of smoke and the acrid stench of burning hair and flesh. It was dead. All the monsters were dead. 

Another thought began to plant itself in his mind, settling in and spreading its roots, surely, if all the monsters were dead then the woods, now, would be safe. Relatively speaking.   
Eddie knew where it was that Richie had disappeared. He had forced Bill to tell him the story over and over until even his patience had waned. It wasn't right that they had left without him, even though Richie had died in that god forsaken place, he deserved to be brought home too. Not left alone in the dark. 

Losers stuck together. 

The click of the cassette finishing its rewind snapped him back to the present. Clenching and unclenching his shaking hands, his mind coming to a decision.   
Eddie shook off his lingering anxieties and steadied himself. He had a lot he needed to prepare if he was going to do this, the sooner he got it done the sooner he could get Richie home. It was what he owed the Tozier's, he had failed to bring Richie home alive, so at least he could try to find and bring home what remained now. 

He turned over the motor of his car and began the long drive, replaying his cassette and letting the voice of his best friend guide him home. 


	2. Bad feelings, old and new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is finally here!  
> Thank you to everyone who read chapter one, and an extra big thank you to those of you who commented! 
> 
> The non-linear tag really picks up here.
> 
> No beta, all mistakes are my own. 
> 
> ~~~~~~  
> CW for chapter: anxiety, depression, brief mention of blood/non-serious injury, brief mention of suicide.

_ June: _

_Eddie cast a glance at the position of the sun overhead as Ben sighed for the millionth time in the span of ten minutes. Richie and Bev continued to argue over who got control over the car stereo and the noise seemed to be slowly getting to their driver. Eddie elected to ignore all of them in lieu of checking his phone’s GPS map to make sure they were staying on course. Ben had given Bev the map at first, however, later on almost took a wrong turn and since then Eddie had taken over as navigator. After insisting that he should’ve been in charge in the first place of course._

_No offense to Bev._

_The crux of the matter was that Bev could tell Ben to drive them off a cliff and he most certainly would, which is something that didn’t fill Eddie with confidence._

_He was startled out of his route planning when Richie lurched forward. Throwing half his body into the front of the vehicle so he could grapple for the AUX cord, valiantly staving off Bev’s slapping hands with his long limbs.  
_ _Eddie yelped at the sight and grabbed the back of Richie’s shirt to yank him back into his seat._

_“Put on your fucking seatbelt! Are you stupid?”_

_“Eds, relax-”_

_“Tens of thousands of people die in this country every year due to vehicle accidents, that’s like a hundred people a day! Do you want to die Richie?”_

_“I do if this lame ass music isn’t changed!” Richie growled before leaping up again to try for a second attempt at changing the music._

_Eddie grappled and tugged him back again which started with Richie dividing his attention between fending off both Eddie and Bev’s attacks. Eddie finally took to beating the other over the head with his paper copy of the road map._

_“Put.”_ Smack _, “Your.”_ Smack _, “Seatbelt.”_ Smack _, “On!”_ Smack, smack, smack!

_Richie laughed delightedly, his nose crinkled and he swatted half heartedly at Eddie and the offending map._

_“It’s adorable how much you care, Spaghetti! Cute, cute, cute!”_

_“Forget it, jump out and die.” Eddie huffed, feeling his cheeks heat._

_“Please don’t.” Ben spoke up meekly from the driver’s seat._

_Eddie wished briefly that he had decided to ride instead with Bill. He was sure that Stan, Mike and Bill were having a much more agreeable time. He doubted he would have had to worry about Bill making any wrong turns. Richie interrupted his musings as he laughed louder still and, finally, reached for his seatbelt._

_“How can I jump out if I’m strapped in Eds?”_

_Eddie huffed and rolled his eyes, though he was secretly pleased that Richie had listened to him._

_Things between the four smoothed out as Richie and Bev finally compromised on a playlist that both of them could agree upon, but that didn’t mean things were any less quiet. Richie and Bev both took their agreeable moods to mean it was time for road trip karaoke. Richie occasionally would reach over to grip Eddie’s arm or shake him in excitement over a song he particularly liked as he crooned on. Eddie huffed and rolled his eyes, and shot insults at Richie that held no real poison to them. In fact, Eddie had always thought Richie was rather good at singing, though he’d rather jump out of the moving car than ever admit it._

_“How much farther?” Ben asked Eddie suddenly, pulling him from his thoughts._

_Bev quickly turned down the music to a more appropriate level for conversation, ignoring Richie’s complaints. Ben threw her a grateful smile._

_“If this place is where Bill says it is, then maybe another hour or so.” Eddie said, checking his maps once more, “Cell reception out here is starting to get spotty so we might have to rely fully on the paper map soon.”_

_“I have no idea how you read those things,” Bev chimed in,_

_“I have no idea how you read.” Richie added bright and unnecessary._

_“You were- you were valedictorian; you’re in university!” Eddie said, in a perfect mix of exasperation and surprise._

_“Ooo right, remember to bring that up as much as possible when we get there. It drives Stan_ insane _.” Richie replied gleefully._

_Bev barked out a laugh, “You’re a monster, Tozier:”_

_“Remind me when we need to turn,” Ben asked, steering the conversation back to its original topic._

_“Yeah, sure thing.” Eddie said, then, “Bill still following?”_

_Ben nodded, “Yeah, looks like his old beater hasn’t broken down yet.”_

_“That thing is such a death trap,” Eddie lamented._

_“Don’t let Bill hear you say that,” Bev chastised jokingly, “I swear, he’s more in love with that car than anything else.”_

_“Why do you think I waited until now to bemoan it? I wish he’d just let me give him some pointers on how to fix her up properly. Let me take a look under the hood.” Eddie sighed, still feeling a touch sore that their esteemed leader wouldn’t allow any but himself to work on his prized possession._

_“So how much do you guys know about this place anyway?” Richie broached, turning the conversation around suddenly._

_Eddie blinked at him in surprise, disappointment about not being able to fix Bill’s car himself forgotten, “You don’t know?” He asked, somewhat appalled in tone._

_“What? It’s not like I’ve ever been there before?” Richie said defensively._

_“I thought that maybe you and Bill had talked! You were so gung-ho about the whole trip!” Eddie exclaimed in a fast-paced accusationatory tone._

_“Well, yeah, of course I am! We finally all get to see each other again and there’s a chance it didn’t have to be in dumbfuck Derry? Of course I was on board.”_

_“Oh my god. I thought you knew something more about this! Ben, please-”_

_Ben laughed, cutting off Eddie’s panic._

_“Apparently Bill’s grandparents owned property out here, when they passed they left the cabin to Bill as inheritance. I don’t know much more than that though.”_

_Eddie groaned, feeling anxiety claw at his belly._

_“Don’t worry so much Eds. You heard Ben, there’s going to be a cabin and everything, we won’t even be really roughing it.” Richie tried to soothe._

_Eddie appreciated the effort and rewarded Richie with a small smile, but he couldn’t fully shake his nerves. It had been a recurring problem, especially since moving away for university. Being away from all his friends for months on end had been agony and he had struggled to adjust to being forced to do everything for himself. One of the symptoms that cropped up from this was a worsening of his already present anxiety.  
_ _In retrospect, he can see that that was probably why he had been so onboard with the whole camping-slash-road trip suggestion in the first place. He had been so desperate for the familiarity his friends brought that he hadn’t even questioned the ifs and hows around it._

_“Plus we’ll all be together, lucky seven, right?” Bev chipped in, throwing a warm smile over her shoulder._

_“Bill even said something about a lake,” Ben added_

_“Yeah! It’ll just be like when we hung out at the quarry!” Richie cheered._

_Eddie felt a more genuine smile tugging at his lips, it was hard not to get caught up in his friends enthusiasm. Plus, Bill had never really led them astray before._

* * *

  
  


_September_ _:_

Eddie gripped the steering wheel with sweat slicked palms, growing more tense as the miles flew by beneath the tires of his tired vehicle. His eyes darted between the road and his phone’s GPS, despite not having to truly use it for direction so far. It was more of a comfort tick he relied more heavily on as the nervous tension in his body became harder and harder to ignore.   
The further he moved away from Derry the worse it became, the straining pull, like a sixth sense guiding him back home. Eddie found it almost eerie how well he remembered what turns to take on a journey he had only made once before. 

He hated the feeling of being held in suspension, of limbo; being forced to exist in a state of inbetween. Though if Eddie were being honest with himself he would admit that this feeling didn’t start the moment he left Derry to go back. 

No, it started the moment he left the woods. 

It started all those months ago when he was forced into a car by his friends to drive away from what had been the most horrific experience of his life; it started the moment it really sunk in that he had returned with a huge chunk of himself missing, a Richie-shaped hole in the center of his chest.  
Every consecutive moment since had felt like treading water with no land in sight. The eventuality of it had been inevitable in that it was never a question of if he would finally give in and drown, but rather when. Here on the open road it felt a little like tying rocks to his ankles, and as terrifying as that was, there was also a sort of potential release in the coming hopelessness.   
Eddie could feel the water licking up over his face but as tempting as it was to give in he found himself still revolting against his own dying hope.   
  


His therapist had told him before that it was okay to accept his own helplessness in certain situations.

However, Eddie hadn’t felt totally helpless that night. He had fought. Fought with a viciousness that he hadn’t thought himself capable of previously. Eddie had felt the overwhelming fear surrounding the situation he had found himself in, but rather than give in he rallied against it. He wanted to feel like that again. He craved the small bursts of satisfaction and violent glee that had followed when he had stood up, armed himself and hit back hard enough to survive. 

It hadn’t been until later, after returning home with nothing left to fight against, that all Eddie had truly felt the first dredges of helplessness. The feeling of futility had made a home for itself upon him, wrapped around his neck like a noose. 

Eddie wasn’t completely sure what it was he was looking for. It was yet another thing rolling around in his mind as he drove. What he did know was that he couldn’t remain in Derry, marinating in his own feelings of guilt and helplessness while he still felt there was something to be done.   
Looking for any sign of Richie was a given, however even if Eddie managed to find something left of his best-friend, what then? How had he even died? Had it been as easy as one bad slip up, or had it been something more? Bill had been tight lipped about it and it was hard for Eddie not to view his silence as some sort of admission of guilt. Had Richie done something stupid like throw himself in dangers sight in order to protect one of them? If he had, did Eddie _really_ want to know, or would that knowledge only exacerbate his own feelings of guilt? 

Eddie still hadn’t sleuthed out an answer by the time the environment around him turned from the sparse human tamed farmlands to thick, wild brush. When the compass needle on his dash began to rock and his phone blink out of service he knew he was just about out of time to ponder anymore. Maybe it was that the answers were something he had to find out here as well. Perhaps it was what he needed to feel the relief in being hopeless.  
The road slowly turned from paved asphalt to dusty worn dirt, the turn off almost completely hidden by new growth of foliage. A small voice in his head bemoaned just how bad the bumpy, rough terrain was for his car but he wasn’t about to turn back now. He was almost there.   
He eyed his dashboard compass as the needle continued to warble the deeper into the woods he drove until finally it started to spin around and around and around the dial in a nonsensical manner. He eyed his phone, his screen flickered, distorting the map ominously. Eddie gripped the wheel tighter, he was almost there. He reached out for his phone with the intention to turn off the screen when a notification banner appeared at the top, it was a little hard to make out but he could see it was a text message and he opened the chat window. 

**Bev 2:13 PM** **: Hey**

**Bev: 2:13** **PM: So I know it will probably sound stupid but while napping I had a...weird dream. Call me?**

**Bev 2:14** **: Are you okay?**

Eddie felt his stomach knot in guilt. He knew he should have told someone he was leaving. He knew though, if he had, they would’ve tried to stop him. He tried not to think about Bev wringing her hands together anxiously as she waited for a response, tried not to think of what would happen when they all eventually discovered him missing. It was another inevitability he couldn’t run from for long. Eddie wondered briefly if they would think to check here. Surely not. He hoped not. He knew the others could live the rest of their lives without coming within a hundred kilometres of this place and die in peace. He knew he should have felt the same, but it had also been a while since he had really felt any semblance of sanity. He locked his phone and continued to follow the road deeper into the trees.

The cabin was much how Eddie remembered it, and the sight of it suddenly amongst the brush had his breath catching in his chest as anxiety knotted him up from within. The road and clearing the only scar on the otherwise densely covered land. The trees reached tall here, the boughs and bending inwards over the clearing, their canopy of leaves casting the area in a green glow as the sun illuminated.   
Eddie parked his car, took a moment to breathe, then exited the vehicle. The breeze ruffled his hair and made him jump. He cursed himself silently, he had to keep it together if he had any chance of finding any success here. He tried to find comfort in the birdsong and rustle of leaves, buzzing and chirps of insects, the song of nature always a good indicator that all was well within the trees. It was the quiet that had to be dreaded.   
Eddie popped the trunk and grabbed the supplies he’d stopped to pick up at the closest town and began to haul it up to the creaking porch. 

He reached for the door handle and cursed when he found it locked. 

Who the hell had been up here in order to lock it all up? Eddie had thought they'd run off too damn quick for that. It must've been the state troopers combing the area afterwards he decided; It would make sense that Bill would have handed over the keys for their investigation.

Eddie paused considering before recalling that Bill had told them that his grandparents had always kept spare keys under the flowerpots. He circled back to search around the overgrown garden beds and pots full of dirt.

Viola! A key. 

Eddie let his shoulders sag in relief as he tried the key in the lock. It fit perfect but the door remained stubbornly stuck. Eddie sighed and tucked in his elbow as he got ready to throw his shoulder against the wood. He remembered Ben saying how some old wooden doors had problems taking in moisture and expanding in their frames. The lush woods were definitely not lacking in humidity.   
Eddie threw his weight against the door.

THUNK.

**THUD.**

**_C R A S H_ **

_The door gave in with a protesting groan as it swung open with sudden unexpected ease. Bill staggered into the entryway, nearly tripping over his own force of motion. He steadied himself against the old wooden door as the rest of the Losers trooped into the cabin behind him chattering excitedly._

_Richie let out a long, low whistle as he looked around, “Damn Billy I was expecting more Evil Dead and less…” He trailed off to wave his hands around in such a way that looked as if he were presenting the space to them._

_Eddie was looking around like a nervous sparrow. Interested in everything around him and trying to take it all in, but staying close to the safety of his friends. Though he had to admit, he understood why Richie was so impressed. When Bill had said cabin he hadn’t imagined something this nice._

_“Hey Eds come look at this!” Richie called from where he’d wandered deeper in the cabin._

_“Not my name.” Eddie replied on automatic, but peeled away from Bill’s side to creep further into the dim house, peeking up the dark stairway and skittering past it to follow Richie’s voice._

_The room Eddie walked into was a rather large living room with large windows covered by heavy drapes. A stone fireplace sat inlaid into the opposite wall, Richie crouched in front of it._

_He turned and sent Eddie an excited smile, “Do you think it’s functional? We could totally light this up tonight.”_

_Eddie wrinkled his nose, “I don’t know, we’d have to ask Bill. Who knows when this was cleaned last, we could end up smoking ourselves out.”_

_Richie waved dismissively at him while making a noise. “Don’t worry so much Eds”_

_Eddie was gearing himself up to another rant on the importance of following safety regulations when he was distracted by the sound of sliding metal and the waft of fabric. Suddenly the room wasn’t so dark as the sun burst through a now uncovered window._

_Bev smiled at them as she moved to open the next set of drapes, “Isn’t this place gorgeous?” She said in breathy excitement._

_Ben wasn’t far behind and immediately helped in pulling open the rest of the curtains. The room itself seemed to glow suddenly with life. Eddie felt some of the tension he was holding onto wane._

_“Where’re the others?” Eddie asked, looking around._

_“Stan started unpacking the food in the kitchen, and Bill and Mike are checking on the generator.” Ben said with a shrug before following Bev as she wandered out of the room._

_Richie stood and turned away from the fireplace before throwing his arm around Eddie’s neck and fluffing his hair up with the other. Eddie wriggled and put on a show like he was trying to break out of Richie’s grasp, though his attempts were half hearted at best. Richie finally left his hair alone but kept his arm slung around his shoulders which pleased Eddie immensely despite the put upon sigh he let out._

_“Remember when we, like, got really into filming skits and, like, Vines and shit?”_

_Eddie nodded, the Losers has marched all around Derry making stupid videos to post online for fun._

_“I wish we had a place like this back then, can you imagine?”_

_“I mean, we had the Barrens and the Hanlon farm.” Eddie said with a shrug._

_“That’s true.” Richie conceded, “Maybe it’s that this place_ feels _remote and isolated that makes it seem different.”_

_“I don’t like that we barely have reception though.” Eddie admitted, glaring at his phone. “What if something happens; how would we call for help?”_

_“What would happen? Plus I’m sure I saw some sort of wire connection outside and since this place apparently gets power off a generator then that means it was most likely a phone line. There’s probably a landline somewhere.”_

_Eddie blinked, he hadn’t noticed or if he had he hadn’t paid it any mind, but Richie’s words made sense. It always took him by surprise when Richie made rather calculated observations since the other boy seemed to flip wildly between extremely insightful and completely oblivious._

_“C’mon let’s check the kitchen,” Richie suggested and tugged him along towards the next room._

_They found Stan going through their groceries and taking stock of what cookware was available in the cupboards and drawers. Stan’s brows were furrowed as he worked, making him look even more severe than he normally appeared. Bev was sitting at a small kitchen table in a little windowed breakfast nook and Ben was trying to help while also obviously trying not to get in Stan’s way.  
_ _Eddie was pleased to note that Richie had been right, there was a landline phone mounted onto the kitchen wall. He was distracted from pointing it out to Richie as Bev quietly motioned at them and nodded towards Stan subtly. Eddie didn’t need to pass on the message though because he felt Richie give his shoulder a small squeeze before removing his arm from around him. Eddie watched as Richie bounced over to Stan and began to make an overly animated nuisance of himself. Eddie tried not to feel the sense of loss at his friend's absence from his side and moved to the kitchen table to sit across from Bev. His eyes darting between Bev’s sympathetic face to Ben’s concerned puppy dog eyes._

_“Leave it alone, Richie.” Stan huffed as he stole the metal tongs Richie had found in the open drawer from the boy's hands._

_“Come on Staniel, lighten up, we’re on vacation.”_

_“I know that.” Stan said, but his tone was clipped._

_“Then what’s with the rainclouds huh?”_

_Stan sighed and seemed to try to ignore him._

_Richie wasn’t so easily dissuaded and after some hedging that Richie made to look a lot like purposeful teasing, Stan threw his hands up and marched out of the kitchen._

_“Did you need to push him like that?” Ben asked, looking slightly reprimanding._

_Richie didn’t look at all sorry and shrugged before he started to follow after Stan._

_“Don’t worry Benny my boy!” He said in one of his voices before dropping into a normal tone, “Sometimes Stan needs someone to blow up at and let off some steam. He’s been tense since we got here, he should be more willing to talk now. Try and keep the other’s off us until I can get to the bottom of it.”_

_Bev sighed as Richie disappeared back through the house._

_“I won’t even try to understand their dynamic.”_

_Eddie shrugged, “They’ve been like that as long as I’ve known them. Even back in elementary school. What was wrong anyway?”_

_Ben shrugged, "Said he had a bad feeling he couldn't shake. Probably just leftover from school, I know finals stressed me out enough."_

_Eddie nodded, that made sense. Hell, he was in the same boat._

_“Well,” Bev said, clapping her hands against her thighs and standing, “Let’s help finish setting up. Bill should have the power up any time now. Then we can get the fridge going.”_

_Five minutes after Bill and Mike had returned, Richie and Stan came back from wherever they had gone off to and joined the group in the living room. The both of them ribbing each other, shooting playful jabs back and forth. The sight of Stan’s relaxed smirk easing some more of Eddie’s worry. Though now with equilibrium established Eddie couldn’t help feeling a new kind of restless. While he had been happy to sit and listen to his friends chatter before, now he was all too aware of how divided the conversations were and how little attention that was on him. He watched as Bill laughed at something Mike said to him, and how Rich had stretched out on the loveseat, his legs hanging over the arm of the too small seat.  
_ _All of a sudden it seemed mighty unfair that Richie could take up the entire loveseat on his own, nevermind the fact that moments earlier Eddie hadn’t put any thought to his seat in front of the large sofa next to Ben, in front of Bill’s legs._

 _Really though, did Richie_ have _to take up so much space? Eddie’s eyes dragged up and then down the length of Richie’s body, marking how Richie’s long limbs were splayed dramatically. His nose scrunched up in irritation and found himself standing as his cheeks heated._

_“Move over,” Eddie demanded as he marched over, hands on his hips._

_Richie side-eyed him and raised a brow in question._

_“Why?” He asked._

_“You’re taking up the whole damn couch, that’s why!”_

_“So?” Richie asked, with a hint of a crooked smile pulling at the corner of his lips. Only furthering Eddie’s irritation._

_“So? So! Move. You can’t just, spread yourself out and not leave any space for the rest of us!” Eddie yelled, gesticulating wildly._

_“If you wanted the loveseat, you could’ve sat in it earlier.” Richie said._

_“You’re infuriating! Just move!”_

_“No.”_

_Eddie snarled and grabbed at Richie's wrist to tug him up. Richie let himself remain limp, using his weight against Eddie’s attempts.  
_ _Yelling in frustration, Eddie launched himself at the loveseat, climbing over Richie’s flailing limbs to wedge himself between the back of the seat and Richie’s legs. Smacking at Richie’s shins for good measure. The two boys kicked and smacked at each other for a moment more before settling.  
_ _Eddie wiggled slightly to let himself sink more comfortably into the cushions feeling satisfied, completely missing the looks the others tossed at one another over the all too familiar antics._

 _The Losers made the executive decision that they were going to camp out in the livingroom the first night. A callback to how they would often spend weekend nights camped in Bill’s family room or Richie’s basement._ _  
_ _It was late. Much later in the evening than Eddie would usually be awake at. The problem was that he just wasn’t able to settle his mind, make his thoughts slow down enough to rest. He could feel the anxiety he had been fighting since he had finished his last exam culminating in his chest. It happened to him a lot, these bursts of anxious energy that hit him often much later than whatever incident or situation had triggered it. As a kid it came out in the form of his ‘asthma’ attacks, and now it was often coming to him in the form of insomnia.  
_ _It was frustrating.  
_ _Eddie felt as if he had barely begun to get a handle over himself and now the game had shifted, changed the rules and left him floundering once more. It made him feel ill. The worst of it all was that he could swear he could hear his mother's voice in the back of his head telling him that he was sick._

 _A sniffle followed by the sound of a blanket rustling stopped Eddie’s spiraling thoughts and brought him back to the present. The shadow of a figure standing and then carefully creeping through the maze of sleeping bags distracted him. Eddie’s brain pinged the figure as Stan almost immediately after watching him move.  
_ _The dim light of the fridge illuminated the kitchen and parts of the living room through the connecting open arch in the wall. Eddie took the moment to look around at all his friends scattered around him and breathed. Taking comfort in their presence, he tried to remind himself that for everything else going on in his life, right here, right now, he was with people he loved and he was safe._

_A small sound from the kitchen. A choking inhale._

_Eddie jolted up at the sudden crash of shattering glass. A few of the other Loser’s heads popped up._

_“What’s-” Bill began,_

_A scream, shrill and panicked rang out from the kitchen._

_Eddie yelped in surprise and kicked off his covers, nearly falling off the loveseat in the process. Bill was already almost to the kitchen, Richie right behind him running. The rest of them staggering up to rush after. Eddie’s ears rang as Stan’s terrified shrieks continued. Bev grabbed a statuette off the fireplace mantel and held it like a bat, ready to swing, but Eddie saw her lower it when she got a good look at what was in the kitchen._

_Eddie peeked around the corner and frowned. Stan was on the ground back pressed into the corner, eyes wide as saucers, seeming too scared to form words. Bill was crouched next to him, hand on his shoulder trying to coax something more intelligible than terrified sobs from him. Richie was standing next to them like a sentinel, head darting around, as if looking for anything that could have caused this._

_Eddie gulped then took a step forward. Richie’s gaze darted to him and he held out his hand in a stopping motion._

_“Wow, Eds, careful!” Richie pointed down to the floor between them and to all the sharp shards of glass that littered the floor, “Watch your feet.”_

_Eddie nodded, grateful. He had been so intent on Stan that he had forgotten about the sound of glass breaking. His breath caught when he saw the smear of blood on the floor._

_“What’s going on?” Mike asked, softly._

_Bev shook her head, looking around alert, much like Richie._

_“I dunno.” Ben whispered back, “Rich?”_

_Richie glanced at them and shook his head, lifting one shoulder in a shrug as Stan continued to stutter nonsense._

_“THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE!”_

_Everyone froze._

_“What?” Bill frowned, “What do you mean?”_

_Stan pointed behind them towards the breakfast nook._

_“Out- Out there! There was something- someone-!”_

_“That shouldn’t be possible.” Ben muttered with another shake of his head._

_“We’re miles away from anyone else.” Mike agreed. Though both of them still looked far from convinced of their own words._ _Mike walked closer to the nook, skirting the glass, and seemed to try and peer out into the darkness._

_Bill looked severe, “What did you see?”_

_But Stan was shaking violently in fear, and his voice sounded so tight when he tried to speak that it sounded painful._

_“Hey- Hey, Stan-The-Man!” Richie was crouching in front of him then too, “It’s just us. Come on, breathe for a minute.”_

_Stan seemed to gulp in air, trying to listen, trying to breathe._

_“What did you see?” Bill asked again._

_“I-I dunno- the light just caught it in the window- outside!”_

_Richie frowned and stood back up, looking out at the windows._

_Eddie felt himself begin to shake, Stanley’s own fear twisting under his skin like a contagion._

_“Wh-what the fuck do you mean you don’t know?” Eddie demanded, his voice sounding shrill even to his own ears._

_“I don’t see anything or anyone out there now.” Mike said._

_Bill stood, “Eddie, did you happen to bring any first aid-”_

_“Yeah-Yeah it’s just back in my bag-”_

_“Can you look at Stan’s foot, I think he cut it on the glass.” Bill phrased it as a question but spoke it like an order._

_Eddie nodded and Richie was at his side in a blink._

_“Come on Doctor K, let’s get your saw!”_

_“Shut up Richie!” Eddie hissed, but was grateful when Richie escorted him back into the darker portion of the house to grab his bag._

_On their way back, Bill and Mike passed them._

_“We’re going to take a look outside, just to be safe. Rich?”_

_Richie made a face, looking towards the windows with great distaste, then looked back to Bill with the same face._

_Bill raised his brows._

_Richie groaned loudly._

_“Fine!”_

_“You guys are actually going to go out there?” Eddie hissed,_

_“If there’s someone out there they might need help.” Bill said, “Or if there’s animal tracks we can put Stan’s mind at ease.”_

_“And what if it’s some guy with an axe!”_

_“It’s okay Eddie.” Bill smiled._

_Eddie felt a piece of himself smooth over at the reassurance._

_“Go help Bev and Ben with Stan. Mike, Rich, let’s go.”_

_Eddie watched as the two straightened up at the sound of their names and followed their leader towards the front door._

* * *

_Eddie had bandaged Stan's foot while Bev and Ben cleaned up the broken glass and blood. Ben helped support Stan as he limped into the living room. They had long turned on the lights to scare away the dark corners and they were all in somewhat more calm states. Despite the shared feelings of uneasiness. Stan’s hysterics had passed; however, in turn the boy had gone completely silent. His complexion was still pale and his eyes scared but now there was also an exhaustion that lingered over his frame as he remained curled around himself. Eddie was about to ask him for more details when they heard the front door open._

_“It tis I,” Richie called out in a truly awful impression of Dracula, “Child of the night!”_

_“Not funny Richie.” Eddie growled as the other boy walked into the room with a smile. From the entryway Eddie could hear Mike and Bill taking off their shoes and conversing softly._

_“You didn’t see it.”_

_Eddie jumped. It was the first thing Stan had said since he had seemingly calmed down._

_Richie shrugged, “Nothing but lots of bugs,”_

_Stan’s lips thinned and he turned his gaze away._

_“Look.” Richie sighed, “It’s late, you got up to get a drink, half asleep you turn around and, I don't know, see your reflection in the glass.”_

_Stan fixed him with a cold glare. “I didn’t scare myself with a reflection Richard!”_

_Richie put up his hands in a surrendering motion._

_“Wow, what’s going on.” Mike asked as he and Bill entered the room._

_“Stan didn’t like my suggestion-”_

_“Because it’s absurd! I look nothing like- like- whatever that was. It was huge.”_

_“Well, whatever it was, it’s gone now.” Bill stated._

_“We’re out in the mountains, it’s not like living in the city, or even in town. There are animals, sometimes even big ones.” Mike suggested._

_“You guys shouldn’t have gone out there.” Eddie said, worry tightening his chest again, “What if it had been a fucking bear?”_

_“Like I said, it’s gone now.” Bill insisted, “How’s your foot?”_

_Stan blinked, then looked down at his bandaged appendage as if he had forgotten about it._

_“It stings,” Stan sighed, “It’ll be fine. Eddie took care of it.”_

_“Doctor K is the best surgeon around!” Richie crooned._

_“You should still try and keep off of it, and sleep with it elevated tonight, to help with the swelling.” Eddie suggested, ignoring Richie who had magnetized to his side._

_“Alright let’s all try and get some shut eye, it’s been a long night already.” Bill said._

_Bev gave up her bed on the couch so that they could set up Stan and elevate his leg as Eddie had suggested. In turn, Eddie gave up his bed on the Loveseat for Bev and joined the other five on the floor, moving his sleeping bag closer to the middle, between Bill and Richie. He was glad when after they turned out the living room lights, Ben kept a small light in the kitchen lit._

* * *

Eddie made sure to inspect the entirety of the cabin, upstairs and down. The downstairs was, of course, the most damaged. However that hadn’t been anything he wasn’t expecting, having seen how that damage was wrought first-hand. He paused by one of the shattered living room windows, fingers tracing the grooves carved into the wood of the wall by sharp claws. 

He let out a shaky breath. 

Eddie could see, clear as anything, the events that had caused such markings in his mind. He knew it was going to be hard to come back, to see the aftermath of it all, but he hadn’t realized just how quickly the memories could overtake and freeze him. He had to get his shit together, he was losing daylight and Eddie still needed to try and fix up a few things before night fell. Even if the woods were now safe, Eddie knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep properly without putting some effort in to fortify the cabin. 

He was able to board up most of the broken windows and clean up enough of the rubble so that it no longer felt as if he were squatting in a condemned building. The anxiety and paranoia never really left him but at this point he hadn’t truly expected it to. It was just another thing he would have to live with for the time being. By the time he was finishing up the task list he had set out for himself, the sun was setting low enough on the horizon that Eddie started to get too jumpy when outside. The nights came faster in early September than they had in June which left him with less daylight hours to work in. Despite this, he thought that it would be useless to fight against his instincts to hunker down for the long night. Useless and foolish. Because the insistent voice in the back of his head nagging him that maybe not all the monsters were dead was pretty valid. Eddie honestly didn’t know how bad the situation had been that night, he only knew what he saw. 

It was true that he had seemingly only witnessed the one beast but who was to say for sure? He still had no idea what it was that had Bill so tight lipped about what he himself had witnessed that final night. Perhaps Eddie wasn’t as alone up here as he had been convincing himself he was. 

All at once he felt very foolish indeed. 

He was out in the middle of nowhere without a reliable phone, limited weapons and survival gear, and he didn’t even have a concrete plan. His therapist had asked him if he had been experiencing suicidal tendencies. He had emphatically denied he had been but, who knew? Maybe this was all some sort of half-baked plan his subconscious had concocted to off himself.   
He wouldn’t ever have allowed himself to have a hand in his own death. Not directly anyway. But if something were to happen; an accident or an attack, would he really fight against it?  
Eddie tried to stray away from that line of thinking. It did himself little to no good to dwell on such dark thoughts. At least he thought so. It was just his anxiety, spiraling his thoughts and blowing everything out of proportion; making him question himself. 

Eddie distracted himself by making another loop of the cabin, double and triple checking his work and testing the locks. When all seemed well he set up his sleeping bag and prepared to try and calm himself down enough to sleep. 

Before he drifted off he pulled out his phone to stare at the last messages he had received. He tried to formulate a response in his head but the words bounced about his skull on loop. 

**Bev 2:14** **: Are you okay?**

Eddie’s heart ached as he looked at the texts, he knew she must be worried about him, her last message being sent hours earlier. But how could he respond? He was sick and tired of lying, of saying he was fine; to his mother, to his therapist, and to an extent his friends. He didn’t just didn’t have the energy.

‘Are you okay?’

He was pretty sure the answer was no. Eddie gazed at the final message, his own face reflecting back to him. He stared and stared as if hoping to final the solution somewhere between the lines of text. Until finally, his eyes drooped and sleep overtook him. 

**Bev 10:40** **: Eddie?**

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Comments and kudos are appreciated greatly! 
> 
> Feel free to leave constructive criticism or let me know if you see mistakes. 
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**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated and give me fuel to keep writing  
> I hope everyone is staying safe and well  
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